Forgive But Not Forget
by DemonessOfPunishment
Summary: Yaoi 3x4 Quatre is depressed thinking that he killed Trowa while under the influence of the Zero system. He feels he can never be forgiven. But what happens when he thinks Trowa has come back? Will he be forgiven? Has Trowa really come back? death


**Title:**  Forgive but not Forget

**Rating:**  PG13

**Disclaimer:**  I don't own Gundam Wing

**Warnings:** Yaoi (3x4), Character death

**Notes:** _//blah blah blah blah//_= Quatre dreaming.   A friend of mine helped with the dream sequences.  She got all the dialog for me.

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Quatre lay in bed, staring at the corner of the wall.  His skin, dim and dull, was the perfect canvas for the bark circles under his pale, lifeless, aquamarine eyes.  The black gave the illusion that his eyes would sink and disappear into the back of his head.  Fleeing from the light, only to be lost in the eternal darkness.

Quatre's room portrayed the same emotion as he was feeling, and had been feelings.  Emptiness.  Curtains drawn shut, keeping the sun from penetrating into the room.  All the lights were off, but the layer of dust was evident.  Anytime a maid would try to enter, he'd say 'go away' in a tone that could scare away a deaf man.  They would leave.

Quatre shifted in his bed, burying himself deeper under his comforter. This is where he had been.   Day in and day out.  He wouldn't eat or drink.  All he did was sleep or wallow in his pit of despair.  Quatre started at the picture that rested on the nightstand.  The picture was of Trowa and himself.  Trowa was playing his flute while Quatre was on his violin.  Rashid had taken the picture without them knowing.

There it was.  The cause of all his heartache.  Trowa.  It wasn't long ago when Quatre had blow up the mobile suit, Vayeate, with Trowa inside.  The person he cared for so much.  It wasn't long ago when he watched Trowa's lifeless body float emits the debris.

Quatre turned and looked at the door when it opened, reviling Rashid.  "Master Quatre, it's time for dinner." Rashid announced quietly.

"I'll eat later..." Quatre whispered.

"Master Quatre, please come eat." Rashid insisted.

"I said later..." Quatre stated venomously.  Rashid nodded sadly and left.  Quatre pulled the blankets closer to himself.  He hadn't really eaten anything since his return to his mansion, two weeks earlier, so e has lost about ten pounds in weight.  Slowly, Quatre drifted off into a restless sleep.

// _"I'd ask you to get out of your mobile suit, but you won't, will you?" Quatre paused, "In that case, I'm just going to haft to kill you."_

_Heero__ looked at Quatre through the video screen. "Then get it over with. I've no intention of chatting with an enemy."_

_"__That's it then. Goodbye, Heero." Quatre said, charging at Heero with the beam saber.  At the last second, Trowa, while in the mobile suit _Vayeate, flew in front of Heero, taking the blow meant for him.__

_"Quatre!__ Why don't you realize what a big mistake you're making! Quatre!"  Trowa pleaded_

_"__Trowa!"__ Quatre shouted._

_"This battle is unnecessary!" Trowa stated._

_Heero moved over to Trowa and opened the cockpit hatch.  "Trowa the Vayeate is about to explode, get out now!"_

_"You're right, this is the end of the line for me." Trowa replied._

_"__Trowa!"__ Quatre shouted again.  Trowa rose higher into space so he didn't blow up Heero, Quatre, or the colony when his suit blows.  While doing so, Heero tackled the mobile suit _Mercuruis into Wing Zero.  __"Heero!__ Save Trowa!"  Quatre pleaded with Heero. Heero navigated his and Quatre's mobile suits into the deport/export ramp.  "TROWA!" _//___

Quatre shot up in bed, breathing heavily, eyes wide, and sweat rolling down his face.  He glanced at his clock.  The large, glowing, red numbers told him that it was only 7:30.  Quatre sighed and threw the over sized comforter to the floor.  Slowly he got himself out of bed and headed to the door.

He didn't hear anyone outside, and didn't mind. Now he had the place to himself.  Lately, the silence had been his only friend.  It didn't tell him that everything would be okay.  Or that no one was mad at him for what he had done.

Quatre wiped away a tear that had fallen as he walked into the kitchen.  He went to the refrigerator where he found a note.

_Master Quatre,_

_All of us have gone out for the night.  We hope you don't mind.  Your dinner is in the fridge._

_Rashid._

Quatre sighed, placed the paper onto the table, and opened the fridge door.  Settling on a light dinner, he pulled out a salad and a bottle of water.  It didn't take long for him to finish his mean.  Although he left half the salad in the bowl.

Quatre sat at the table, staring endlessly into the bowl of salad.  More then once his mind drifted to Trowa.  Remembering the pain in his eyes as his suit exploded to pieces.  Quatre began crying at the memory.

He rose from the chair, deposited the rest of the salad into the trash, and put the bowl into the sink.  Leaving the kitchen, he headed back to his room.

On his way, Quatre stopped in front of a full-length mirror.  It was the first time he took in his full appearance.  His hair, matted and discolored.  Eyes with no emotion or life.  Body, slim and pale.  Quatre lowered his head and began his walk back down the hall, with on last glance at the mirror.

Doing a double take, he stared at the mirror with a mixture of horror and shock.  Reaching a hand out the mirror, he ran the tips of his fingers along the mirror image of Trowa.  Turning quickly, he found no one.  Quatre sighed and turned back to the mirror, and found the image of Trowa.

"Trowa...." Quatre muttered disbelievingly.  

The image moved, and looked like it was walking.  He watched as the image got closer and closer, bigger and bigger.  He jumped when someone touched his shoulder.  He whirled around and came face to face with the Heavyarms pilot, Trowa Barton.  

"Trowa?" Quatre questioned, not believing what he saw.

"Hello Quatre." Trowa responded.

"H-how can you be here?" Quatre asked.

"I have no place better to be."  Trowa answered, wiping away Quatre's tears with his thumb.

"No... I mean... here... alive?" Quatre rephrased. 

"I managed to survive the explosion.  I was picked up by a clean up crew and nursed back to health."

"Oh..." Quatre's eyes began to tear up again.  It didn't take long before he was crying heavily.  Quatre jumped up and wrapped his arms around Trowa's neck, burying his face in Trowa's shoulder.  "I'm so sorry!" Quatre sobbed.  "I never meant to hurt you!"

"Shh..." Trowa hushed him softly.  He lifted Quatre's head and wiped the tears away.  "I know little one... and I forgive you."  Trowa leaned down and gave Quatre a soft, loving kiss.

**********

Quatre's eyes fluttered open.  Looking around at his surroundings, he determined that he was still in his room.  He sat up quickly, looking for any sign of Trowa's presences.  He found none.  Quatre laid back down, and pulled the pillow close to him.  "Trowa..." he sobbed quietly, crying into the pillow.

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**Episode Quote:  **"Oh, Quatre. It doesn't matter how it happened but the colonies have teamed up with Oz, and we have to keep in mind it does mark the end of a war. At the same time it means that our missions have come to an end. The lost one is you. It's disappointing the colonies we've been fighting for have changed their perspective, but that's what happens in war. We have no choice but to accept it. The only question left, is what happens with the remaining soldiers? What happens within our hearts? With us Gundam Pilots, we were completely trained to be soldiers before we even realized it. When we put every thing into a battle you start to think that you can the times all by yourself, don't you. Quatre, you're not the only one who feels that way. We all do, but the kinder you are the bigger the toll it takes on you. We have to fight with ourselves, in out hearts, and we have to do it harshly in order to come to the right conclusion. Even if it means out battles today are meaningless. We have to acknowledge the fact, the five of us have become nothing more than the gundam soldiers Quatre. For now, let's accept it. Turn back into the nice guy I knew. I just hope that something triggers your mind and calms you down… Something…" - Trowa Barton, episode 25: Quatre vs. Heero.


End file.
